Oh. My god. I cannot fully explain how anxious I am to finally leave home and gain some fragile independence for a while. I love my family, my friends, and my coworkers… but I need a change. I’ve been craving change for an incredibly long time. At home, I still hold the identity of someone I haven’t been for YEARS. I’m not seen. Sometimes it feels like my friends don’t even see me. It’s rough, but I understand. My room is always cluttered because it’s my living space, my vanity, my studio, my hobby room, my greenhouse, and my sleeping space all at once. My parents are always looking over my shoulder 24/7. Every conversation feels like an interrogation. Again, I love them, BUT I NEED AIR!!
Community College
Halfway through community college, especially in the summer, I developed an absolutely vile judgment towards myself. I remember I’d wake up, stare at the few posters above my bed, and ask myself, “What am I doing here??” I remember I’d look around my room and take note of everything cluttered or childish (I gotta show you my collections someday! It’s awesome. My room is a nerdy pop-culture explosion!) and harshly judge myself for where I was in my life. My mind would wander to other areas of my life too: my health, my intelligence, my worth, my physical appearance… anything it could grab to totally insult. At this point, I still hadn’t landed on a university or a major. I’d work an… okay amount. Enough to be busy but enough to be alone with my thoughts some days. I was in like, serious distress.
It took a lot to work myself out of that rut and a lot more to change my perspective about my situation. I never thought community college was a shameful thing to begin with, but I realized the school and work ratio was becoming a lot for me. I began forcing myself to have fun with my life by being more open to conversation, saying “yes” to events more often, and actively trying to change my lifestyle that I wasn’t happy with. Some things had to be worked around, but most issues were fixed by installing new habits and re-learning how to speak to myself kindly.
I’ve been hanging out with my friends more than ever, I’ve made new friends through coworkers (I have an awesome team!), and rekindled some friendships I thought had died out. I feel so honored to have such outgoing and creative buddies that I can turn to when I need some adventure. My room is… better. I got a promotion at my calm luh job. I’m sorry to report that working out and eating better actually contribute a lot to your mental health. However, I’m proud to report that I’m freaking killing it right now and have been for the past year or so!
Before University
I’m hoping that being away from everything will encourage me to keep building this amazing life for myself, no matter how icky it gets. Being away from all the factors that I feel like are holding me down will definitely be strange at first, but change is good. I’m hoping to meet more queer people, especially creatives, and find “my people” like everyone says I will. I’m going to be an art major, so I’m already halfway there. I’m excited to set up my dorm (I’m a little nervous about my roommate; she follows every DSMP member on insta), I’m excited to dive into art, and I’m excited to see what my uni’s city has to offer! Let’s hope art school doesn’t kill me…