Hey buddy,

Oh. My god. I cannot fully explain how anxious I am to finally leave home and gain some fragile independence for a while. I love my family, my friends, and my coworkers… but I need a change. I’ve been craving change for an incredibly long time. At home, I still hold the identity of someone I haven’t been for YEARS. I’m not seen. Because of this, sometimes it feels like my friends don’t even see me. Some of them definitely don’t care to know me again. It’s rough, but I understand. My room is always cluttered because it’s my living space, my vanity, my studio, my hobby room, my gym, my greenhouse, and my sleeping space all at once. My parents are always looking over my shoulder 24/7, asking questions about when, where, how, why, who... Every conversation feels like an interrogation. Again, I love them, BUT I NEED AIR!!

Community College

Halfway through community college, especially in the summer, I developed an absolutely vile judgment towards myself. I remember I’d wake up, stare at the few posters above my bed, and ask myself, “What am I doing here??” I remember I’d look around my room and take note of everything cluttered or childish (I gotta show you my collections someday! It’s awesome. My room is a nerdy pop-culture explosion!) and harshly judge myself for where I was in my life. My mind would wander to other areas of my life too: my health, my intelligence, my worth, my physical appearance… anything it could grab to totally insult. At this point, I still hadn’t landed on a university or a major. I’d work an… okay amount. Enough to be busy but enough to be alone with my thoughts some days. I was in like, serious distress. Having to be stuck with myself while gravitating towards change was tearing me in half.

It took a lot to work myself out of that rut and a lot more to change my perspective about my situation. I never thought community college was a shameful thing to begin with, but I realized the school-to-work ratio was becoming a lot for me. I began forcing myself to have fun with my life by being more open to conversation, saying “yes” to events more often, and actively trying to change my lifestyle that I wasn’t happy with. Some things had to be worked around, but most issues were fixed by installing new habits and re-learning how to speak to myself kindly. Working a lot also taught me how to talk to people more easily, since that is literally 99% of what I am paid to do.

I’ve been hanging out with my friends more than ever; I’ve made new friends through coworkers (I have an awesome team!), and rekindled some friendships I thought had died out. I feel so honored to have such outgoing and creative buddies that I can turn to when I need some adventure. My room is… better. I got a promotion at my calm luh job. I’m sorry to report that working out sometimes and eating better actually contribute a lot to your mental health. I’m very loosely learning ASL. However, I’m proud to report that I’m freaking killing it right now and have been for the past year or so!

Before University

I don't know what to expect after I leave home. I’m having a hard time comprehending such a big change in my life after being cooped up between home and a pizza joint for the last two years of my life. My roommate seems alright; she’s not really talkative over text, but she’s nice enough! I don’t know what to expect from myself, though I’d like to say I do. I think the thing I'm most worried about is figuring out a new routine. I've had the same routine for two years: wake up, get ready, go to work, come back from work, eat, work on homework (if any), and do it all over again the next day. In reality, I'm sure I'll adjust fine. In my mind, my world is crumbling. I think the thing I'm most worried about is figuring out a new routine. I've had the same routine for two years: wake up, get ready, go to work, eat, come back from work, eat, work on homework (if any) or lounge around, and do it all over again the next day. In reality, I'm sure I'll adjust fine. In my mind, my world is crumbling! “What do you mean I have to go to a dining hall to eat?! This is the worst!!”

I’m hoping that being away from everything will encourage me to keep building this amazing life for myself, no matter how icky it gets. Being away from all the factors that I feel like are holding me down will definitely be strange at first, but change is good. I’m hoping to meet more queer people, especially creatives, and find “my people,” like everyone says I will. I’m going to be an art major, so I’m already halfway there. I've already met a few awesome people who are currently attending! Let’s hope art school doesn’t kill me… I fear the workload most! Class assignments have dropped online, and it’s safe to say that the first week of courses is always a little chaotic due to the million-and-one introduction-themed assignments. Move-in is tomorrow (8/27), and I couldn't be more nervous! I’m excited to see where this will take me. I’ll update you soon!

-Spud